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When flirting, there’s no turn-off as bad as desperation, and of desperation’s many flavors none is so bad a buzz kill as sounding like you need sex and love to restore our overall sense of confidence. Some of us get enough that we don’t have to notice our need.We scorn the status-needy, like they’re degenerates laboring under emotions we never experience. Some of us get so little than we learn to expect less.

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Either of those explanations are more honorable than the alternative, that we don’t feel as big and important as we want and can convince ourselves we are more important if we can set up a mutual admiration society with someone who will hold us in high regard for a night or a lifetime.

We get a taste of this tawdry alternative explanation for what drives us when wives talk about their husband’s mid-life affairs: He was feeling deflated and was idiot enough to try plumping himself up with some bimbo’s cheap admiration. I find a high correlation between my drops in status and increases in appetite for love and sex.

Indeed scorning others for being needy can be an effective way to achieve deny your own neediness (exempt by contempt I call it): “He’s disgusting. Some of us get so little attention in the sex and love marketplaces that it’s never our market and so we seek affirmation by other means.

But many of us seek status affirmation sexually and romantically if those are avenues open to us.

In a conference’s big pond, we can feel especially small, and for some of us, the shortest path to restored confidence is winning a little late-night affirmation and affection.

Not just at conferences, but in all arenas, I think we’re poor at distinguishing our horny lust from our anxious lust; our biological drive for sex from our social drive for affirmation.

Whereas the sexual urge to procreate originally drove us to seek social status, by now the reverse is also true.

Sometimes we seek sex as a means of bolstering our social status.

It’s not inconsistent at all, Indeed there may be no more fundamental principle in all of psychology than that our drives drive us in opposite directions.

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