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If you pull away, they come to your side and find you. So I say, "It's not that bad," and I hope they'll come over to my side, and find me. So many men learn how to perform sex by watching porn, itself a performance of sex that for the most part treats women like props. Women have already taken enough of a painful personal inventory to be able to say #metoo; I am not eager to go back over what I've come to comfortably accept as "crappy hookups," or "shitty sex," and come to realize that yes, that was sexual assault too. And I would never have told the story, because I would have been afraid of someone thinking, "That's not that bad," the way I just fucking did. They aren't scoffing because they think a guy would never do that. A shitty, painful hookup where Grace's comfort and pleasure were like #7 on the priority list. Even though nobody ever taught him that's a "normal" way to do sex. As a woman, I am supposed to take what's given to me, to shrink my pain, ignore my bad feelings about what just happened, and generally be FINE WITH EVERYTHING! What I'm realizing now, after reading Grace's story and the responses to it, is that when I shrink my own pain, I also shrink my empathy for women who feel the same pain and feel it full-size. We're going to find ourselves on opposite sides of things.
Women have had so much bad sex that our scale for sex has been skewed so it shows every shitty sex encounter as 10 pounds less shitty than it was. He convinced you to say yes even though you said no a bunch of times? If we begin to call all sexual assault what it is, we will have to voluntarily admit more pain into our lives, pain that we have up to this point refused to let in the door. I don't have to imagine what happened to Grace because I remember it. And yes, guys, what Grace described is totally normal for a woman. They're scoffing because they believe every single word she said. I resent Grace for talking about her hookup as if it's an assault. But that's not because she was wrong to talk about it. It's because if what happened to her is a violation, then we are all violated.
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I don't want to have to buy my friends' support with maximum humiliation. Then we're going to call that one, "meh" and lock it up in the "Not that bad" vault. People are quick to label sex crimes as deviant or aberrant, but the truth is that sexual violence is socialized into us. He behaved like a sexual bully who hurt and humiliated a woman while he acted out a fantasy that was his and his alone. And if you don't understand why that's shitty, ask yourself how much your hand enjoys jerking you off. These uncomfortable conversations are part of #metoo, as much as the truth telling and hearing. Even though you've been hurt, you are also trained to hurt others.
So I hurry up to add, "It wasn't that bad." That way, the people I'm telling have to convince me, "No, that really wasn't cool." If you push, people push back, that's just human nature. Ansari's behavior, as it is described in the article, is fucking awful and ordinary. You don't want to make a big deal out of this - people will ask why you didn't just leave. Men are socialized to fuck hard and often, and women are socialized to get fucked, look happy, and keep quiet about it. Ansari is responsible for knowing better, and caring about whether his sexual partners are comfortable, safe, and enjoying themselves. If you shared my hesitation to stand up with Grace on this one, I'm just asking you to hang out and ask yourself why. The only easy day was yesterday, when we found ourselves mostly in agreement that Weinstein is a slimy bag of dicks, and Spacey is a scummy, flesh-eating bacteria. It's absurd to think that we'd be able to push through what Frances Mc Dormand called a tectonic shift without revealing fault lines we didn't know were there.
The allegations against Ansari open up the next, harder, messier chapter in the #metoo movement, one in which the vast majority of us are no longer able to simply say, "If you're not with us, you're against us." The line in the sand is hard to see here. People are starting to roll their eyes at what passes for sexual assault these days.